I've tried to look cool. I've tried to sound less stuffed up. I've tried to be good in bed, loud in bed, quiet in bed. I've tried to get rid of this cold. I've tried taking Prednisone and antibiotics. I've tried cigarettes, mushrooms, weed and coke. I've tried holding in gas. I've tried wearing fake braids, clip-on ponytails, press-on nails from Walgreens and Sally Hansen Airbrush Leg makeup. I've tried to lose a lot of weight in a short period of time. I've tried to jog all the way around the block in a pair of athletic shorts. I've tried to dislike the stars of The Hills and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I've tried not to use the word "stars." I've tried to explain the origins of the term "cellulite" to men and other women. I've tried to find pictures online of the stars and their cellulite. I've tried to guess your password. I've tried to get you to marry me. I've tried to imagine my dad's ex-girlfriend, Cherry, making eye contact with my dad. I've tried to watch every episode of Beverly Hills, 90210. I've tried to stay awake during Episode II - Attack of the Clones. I've tried to believe in God, John Lennon, Yoko Ono, an afterlife, spirits, souls, ghosts, karma, astrology, Ouija boards, crystal balls, Magic 8 Balls, Bernie Sanders and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I've tried Effexor, Remeron, Lamictal, Lexapro and Celexa. I've tried Buspar, Prozac, Abilify, Zoloft, Adderall, Concerta and Wellbutrin. I've tried taking Tylenol. I've tried Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, PlentyOfFish and Coffee Meets Bagel. I've tried Hinge: The Dating App for Relationship Seekers, but no one was on it. I've tried meeting people IRL. I've tried drinking absinthe and picking my nose in public and fitting in with your group. I've tried to avoid dairy and gluten. I've tried to date someone who didn't look very good. I've tried to look better myself. 



Irene Doukas Behrman spends a lot of time thinking about the book Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill. She studies creative writing at Marylhurst University and coedits an online literary journal called Pom Pom.

Darla Mottram